I used to think people should never change themselves for anyone. That they are who they are no matter what another person thinks and shouldn't compromise themselves. I still do think that.

I've found a way out.

:)

What I love right now is all the hope people have for 2012.
That things get better after it gets so bad.
Happy New Year :)

Does anyone else realise how facebook absolutely burns time? It's like this furnace burning time away into nothingness. No productivity no nothing comes out of it. So I've deactivated for a while (and not unfriended everyone). haha.

It scares me how I've become so sad and constantly despondent. I'm bordering on depression I know but I've just not fulfilled what the psyc diagnostic manual says - that I have to be unable to function normally on a daily basis. (I was already like that during that period after graduation) but I won't let that happen. No.

The mind is a powerful thing.

I need to change my outlook. I need to be that person I used to be. I need to be less dependent on the wrong people. I need to be all that I'm not right now.

It's shocking that one person can change your life so much. And it's weird how you allow yourself to be altered so easily. Either I'm weak like some would say-others say I'm just allowing it to happen. Others tire and abandon me.

I don't know what to do with myself right now. I'm so lost.

"You see, the dreamers need the realists to keep them from soaring too close to the Sun. And the realists, well, without the dreamers, they might not ever get off the ground” —Cam (Modern Family S03E09)

I'm grateful.

But I keep wishing for the wrong thing.

Life is getting really boring.  I ought to do something crazy soon.

Forgot to put this up... I remembered a dream I had last week-
Happened in parts. Clear parts:

It was your silhouette, against the light in that small car, turning to reverse backwards angle.
I could clearly make out your profile.
Ness pointed you out. She didn't show disgust.
You didn't see me.
It was cold, wet and felt like winter.
I knew you were wearing an overworn coat that smells.
My feet were ice.

I shuddered when I saw you.
I didn't want to call out, i didnt want to avoid or anything of that sort.
I just sort of quietly turned away.

There’s a Celtic legend that before we incarnate and drop down to earth, we spend some pre-mortal time is a cosmic waiting room. All fluffy and white and spacious-like. I think they have Guinness on tap.

I hope I'll wake tomorrow without this feeling I've been getting all day - the blinding desperate need to find you and talk to you. Because I don't know what to do right now. Maybe I'm just not concentrating hard enough on my work. Today was so unproductive :(

I dreamt last night. It's been bugging me all day. It was Melbourne again, cold and rainy this time. My mum was driving a car - I was in the backseat.. She wanted to drop me off to buy something at Safeway. Monash friend #1 was suddenly there, weirdly enough, came into the car all drenched from the rain and bought the bread before I could leave the car. (he bought the wrong bread or something though).

Then we were at this weird house with lots of lace (looked like where an old grannie would live) accompanied with rattan lawn chairs in white. It was so dim though, dim with yellow light. Then I felt so cold. I can't remember the rest but I know I felt so fucking lost. And I woke like that - like something's missing.

Like I'm not doing something right. And it's been hanging over my head all day.

Right now, I've got this horrible headache even though the fantastic rain cleared the haze today.
Help :(

Wow. I've never felt this hurt. Yet, unhurt.

Hm I'm covered proper with mail now I guess. Wonder how long I've been like this.

No words.
No words to how upsetting this is.

It's been ages since a book has made me cry.  Or maybe it's been ages since I've read a proper book. haha.
I'm halfway thru One Day at the part where they finally break off as friends - the part they keep playing in the trailer where he says "those who can, do, and those who can't, teach" and she goes "And those who teach say go fuck yourself"... yeah.

Anyway, David Nicholls, I love the way you write.

D:

So I sought advice - turns out that it's not good.  Calculations made. Counting off our fingers. It's bad.
Now I should turn off the lights and - leave it off...
I think it's especially not good when a 'bye' turns into a 'good night'?
But maybe that's just manners.
Oh no. I think I'm getting myself into shit again. Sounds like manure this time.

Jaded

No rush when I receive your message.
No rush.
:(

Oh Andy

Refusing to admit how much I'm in love with my statistics textbook author (even after 4 years). But I'd love to tell him how his hairline doesn't bother me - not at all. Oh and he is just so humourous.

Did I mention he's British?
<3

I had a dream.

I was on the phone for like such a long time and you got a $100,000 scholarship from Uni Melb or something-but then half way they cut you off.. although there was no deadline and there was this procedure to say yes to them over the internet. They cut you off anyway without reasoning. (You were saying a lot of things about them here: 'Whaat! how can they do that!') And while i was on the phone with you i was in this car sinking into a huge pool with 3 other people (one of whom i went to JC with)... Yes. Then i was in this ballroom place with a bunch of students.. and i was supposed to be teaching them. They were in uniform and all They didn't bring their workbook. I filtered those who didn't bring it.. and they lined up - it was like the more than half whole class -.-  A few other teachers came around to take over and I walked away - and resumed the phonecall. It was like a perpetual phonecall.

I don't remember hanging up.

I'm just wondering why a friend of mine from school (whom I've got important work with) is trying her best to ignore me... Baffling... in a pretty obvious way too because if you're online can't exactly ignore important msn messages without knowing..?
Major shrug.

A happier post. Look to the future.

In other news, turning back time always seems nice because you think you get to start over.. But, clearly the world doesn't work like that. And it wouldn't work out even if you had a time-turner.